Thursday, January 8, 2009

Newsflash: I'm Smarter Than Dick Cheney

I never really thought of myself as world leader material but I've decided that perhaps I should rethink my present career path. I've resolved tomorrow to speak with a jobs counsellor and see how I might get on the fast track to US president - who wants to be Prime Minister after Stephen Harper? Just thinking about sleeping in the same bed as he did at 24 Sussex gives me the heebies. The US is a much bigger country, I feel confident that they get a new mattress AND new sheets with every new president. And just think of all those weapons I'd have access to? I'd like to see Visa collect my overdue payment when I'm president of the United States of America.
What gave me the idea was an interview with the outgoing vice president of the United States, a certain Dick Cheney. Perhaps you've heard of him? He was rumoured to be the brains behind Bush for these past 8 years. Bush is an underachieving, talentless dolt with family connections up the wazoo. Not dissimilar to Paris Hilton in that sense. Well, it turns out the brains behind this operation is dumb as a post.

Exhibit A: See the little black spots on that man's badly bruised face. Cheney was quail hunting and shot his buddy in the kisser. That's some kinda dumb - so dumb it even has a 
Wikipedia page. Seriously Darwin awards material. I mean, the dude probably deserved it. Who else but a rich, right-wing asshole would go quail hunting with Dick Cheney?Getting off with a little bird shot in the face is a pretty good roll of the karma dice, in my opinion.

Exhibit B: When asked about whether Bush responded well to the current nuclear meltdown of the capitalist system, the second in command had this to say: "I don't think anybody saw it coming." What a knob. I was forecasting it in August, 2007 and followed it up with another post in January, 2008. If I'd had a blog before then I'd have said something even sooner. Did anybody listen? No. Silly fools.
The lesson is clear: if I were president of the United States, you'd all be a helluva a lot better off. Shit, I'd cancel all your mortgages, nationalize the banks and give everyone under a hundred grand a big, fat raise. 
Now that's change you can believe in.
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