Thursday, October 22, 2009

Bank's Loonie Strategy: "We Suck, Get Lost!"

FACED WITH A DOLLAR THAT IS CLIMBING relentlessly higher and threatening to kill our export-driven economy, the Bank of Canada has devised a new strategy. You might remember the Bank of Canada's earlier successes like the "high interest-low inflation" strategy from the early 90s that kept unemployment in double-digits for about half a decade.
High on such past innovative policies but paralyzed by the very idea of doing anything, Bank of Canada governor has decided that the best thing to do is simply bad mouth the country.
"Heightened volatility and persistent strength in the Canadian dollar are working to slow growth and subdue inflation pressures,” Mr. Carney said. He was later heard in the hallway, whispering to some very important international investors: "Canadians put lead and asbestos in all of their products. As soon as the story breaks the economy is going to tank. Whatever you do, don't buy Canadian dollars." At the time he was wearing a wig and a fake mustache, so we can't confirm that it was, in fact, him.
There were suggestions from fringe groups without any mainstream credibility that perhaps a policy of doing something constructive would be a good approach. They suggested a tax on free flowing speculative money pouring into (and then out of) the commodity sector as a way to raise money for the hefty deficit and cool off the oil industry and put downward pressure on the dollar. Stephen Harper a fiscal conservative whose government has raised the deficit at the fastest rate since Rome was in collapse suggested that such a strategy would be tantamount to Communism. "Communism is a terrible terrible thing. Evil. Bad."
Mr. Carney agreed and it was decided that the strategy of sending money to Conservative held ridings and scaremongering foreign investors was definitely the way to go.
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