Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Nick Cage, why have you foresaken us?

I thought if nothing else National Treasure would be good fluffy fun. Mystery, sleuthing, adventure, a teensy bit of sex and a clever solution to the puzzle.
Let me save you the time and money. It was none of those things. It sucked. In fact, sucked is too weak a word.
I like Nicolas Cage. I have often defended him from the many people I know who hate him. I think of Lord of War, Raising Arizona or Moonstruck and I think warm, fuzzy thoughts about him.
No more. He will now be indelibly seared into my brain as an insipid, charmless, neurotic turd. He's like Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible only without the cool gadgets or the stakes or the gusto.
To be fair to Nick, it's not just him. Jon Voigt and Helen Mirren, playing Cage's wacky scientist parents, are utterly wasted as a pair of mugging idiots, played so broadly you could damn up the Yangtse River with their performance. The director - who I won't even name - should be barred from walking within a kilometre of a film camera, including the family hand-held at Thanksgiving.
This film is a half-assed, half-baked, poorly written, deadly dull ass-suck of the star-spangled banner.
The nauseatingly Disney, liberal nationalist jingoism made me want to light myself on fire and throw myself at the screen. Not even primarily because it was the basest, stupidest kind of feel-good nationalism.
No, because it was stupidly obvious, dull and predictable like everything else in this piece of ca-ca. You could time your watch by the plot turns and your watch is exactly what you'll be looking at if you are unfortunate enough to end up in a theatre screening this dreck.
If you're really so desperate to kill 90 minutes of your life - watch water drip from your tap. It will be more rewarding.
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